I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
