Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
