Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
