Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
as a side note pls kill me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
