how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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