so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
