So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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