Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
