$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
this will be a night to untag.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
