She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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