There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
