Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
