I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Floor bacon is actually really good
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
