Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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