dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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