a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
