Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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