good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
