My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
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I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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