are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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