found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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