why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
