Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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