He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
