I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
