Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
