It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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