If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
