So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
