Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
