I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
