well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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