i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
