The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
