I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
