I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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