If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
