***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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