I wannas sexs uuuuu
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
