I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
