oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
