guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
