You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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