I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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