Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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