Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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