I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
