dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
