Say something about gay babies.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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