it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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