i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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