Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
