I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
