Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
