I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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