I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
