Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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