Plan B is the new Plan A
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
