I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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