It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
