The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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