Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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