My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
